Reflecting on the reaction to her first published piece at 21, this week’s TBIYTC is written by Laura Roscioli ~ an Australian sex columnist and podcast host navigating the tension around women and sexual expression.
Unpacking the stigma that still surrounds female desire, Laura traces the lack of language + the act of saying it out loud.
"With every piece I write, with every sexual revelation, with every fantasy explored and every taboo unpacked, I spiral deeper into the knowledge that so many of us don’t understand the power, creativity and importance of sex."
I wrote my first published piece about my own sex life when I was 21. I didn’t think much of it, but other people did.
What will your parents think?
What if the guy it’s about reads it?
Aren’t you worried that writing about having sex will stop you getting a job?
The short answer was no, I wasn’t worried. I talked about sex all the time in wine bars with my friends, sometimes even strangers, so why would vocalising it online be any different?
I’ve come to learn that people look at sexual women very differently. A woman who owns up to leading a life fuelled by sexual desire is a woman who isn’t taken seriously. Future bosses will assume she’s not intelligent, boyfriends’ parents will question her intentions, friends will enjoy her wild stories at dinner parties, but subconsciously shame her choices through unregulated internalised misogyny. What if you change careers? Don’t you want long-term love? They’d ask these questions with genuine concern because they couldn’t envisage a world where you can be both a sexual woman and a successful one.
Their idea of female sexuality is an example of the limiting beliefs and lack of value our society places on female pleasure. I’ve learnt this through my writing. With every piece I write, with every sexual revelation, with every fantasy explored and every taboo unpacked, I spiral deeper into the knowledge that so many of us don’t understand the power, creativity and importance of sex.
I think it’s as simple as this: we didn’t grow up with sexual language. We don’t have the words to talk about sex, to ask for what we want, to unpack our desires, or to bring them into casual conversation with friends because it was never modelled to us. Often, I’ll find myself mid-piece, stumped for words to describe a sexual feeling, because I’ve never read or heard it described before. People who read my work will often thank me for putting their thoughts and feelings into words they’ve never encountered before. It is completely wild to me that, at times, I am saying things people have never heard out loud. It makes me feel passionate about continuing to write about sex — especially the female experience — because I think language is vital.
The more words we have to describe our own desire, the more we can feel safe in our bodies, in our instincts, in asking for what we want, and in discussing what that might look like. We experience such a lack of safety in the world of intimacy because we just haven’t spoken about things. People will do things in the bedroom like strangle or slap or spit without talking about it with anyone and therefore, how do they know what they’re doing? Or if the other person likes it? Or if it’s safe?
The only way to decrease shame is to talk, or in my case, write. Sex is one of those topics we haven’t spoken about enough because of the stigma that surrounds it. If we talk about it, we’re sluts, we’re whores, we’re dumb, we’re easy. I’d like to argue that if we talk about it, we’re actually powerful, we’re smart, we’re creative, we’re free.
Read my Substack: The Things We Don’t Say
Listen to my podcast: The Sex That Changed My Life
Follow me on Instagram: @lauraroscioli
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